When my oldest daughter was ten, I learned the hard way when an exchange with some good friends went terribly wrong. As a parent it’s nearly impossible to discuss problems between your child and another family without anyone getting offended. My first impulse was to resolve my daughter’s communication issues, however well-intentioned, actually interfered with her relationship– and mine.

I had to learn then how important it was for my daughter to be able to resolve problems on her own first before deciding to step it. Remember how we are always telling our kids to work it out in regards to a spat with a sibling? It’s the same concept here.

I tell this anectodal story starting off, because just as important it is her for her to learn to speak up and work out issues with her friends, it is also just as important for teens to be able to talk to their parents the same way.

As my teen approaches her sophmore year of high school, I have recognized that it is important for her to spend time with her friends. And I have learned to be okay with that. Family does not have to always come first in her world.

Being mom and dad, we have this vision of our kids that we try to hold on to, not realizing that it’s okay to let go.

One of the hardest parts through raising a teen has been realizing that she has her own path and she has decided what that path will be.

We try to be honest and straight talk about our expectations, our wishes, and our desires. But we have to remember that we need to listen to their wishes and desires, too. This can often lead to intense conversations, where if not done correctly, can leave your teen feeling as if their voice does not matter.

It’s important that our past doesn’t drive their future. Whether its choosing a career for them we were interested in, or our dream college that they just have to attend. We can’t and shouldn’t choose what is important to them or what should come first to them (outside of education of course).

Simply put, many parents feel undermined and threatened when teens make their own decisions, and especially during conversations where they fall inexplicably silent.

If we do not create an environment where our teen is comfortable talking to us or even comfortable with letting us know why they disagree, then we have not done our job.

For parents seeing our teens have mixed reactions to things we say  signifies a loss of control over our child, and a beginning to going separate ways. When a teen isn’t sharing what’s going on in his or her world anymore, or doesn’t envision themselves as the ballerina or doctor anymore, parents feel shut out.  But for them it’s just a part of growing up.

Don’t take this to heart.

“It is easier to build up a child, than repair an adult.” -Matthew Jacobson

No matter what they decide to do, we have to remember that it’s important to always speak to our children with love and grace. Even if we are upset, it’s unfair to take it out on them. One thing I have always practiced is making sure that I speak life to my kids as much as possible throughout the day.

Whether it is through an affirmation or just simple praising of something that they have done. If you don’t know where to start, check out the list below for a a few ideas!

1. I am grateful for you.
2. I admire you.
3. Thank you for being you.
4. You make my heart full.
5. You are valuable.
6. i can’t wait to hear about it.
7. you make me happy.
8. You did a great job!
9. I think you’re fantastic.
10. You are a great example.
11. You’re really thoughtful.
12. I’m really proud of you.
13. You’re so generous.
14. That was a really kind thing to do.
15. I believe in you.
16. You give the best hugs.
17. We all make mistakes.
18. Nobody is perfect.
19. You can try again tomorrow.
20. I could never stop loving you.
21. I love your creativity.
22. I learn new things from you everyday.
23. I trust you.
24. That was a really good choice.
25. Being around you is fun.
26. You make me laugh.
27. You’ve got a great sense of humor.
28. Great job on your homework.
29. You’re so smart.
30. You give the best hugs.
31. You are a great example.
32. I love being your (parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle).
33. I love it when you help(insert here).
34. I saw you being kind to (insert name here).
35. Your opinion matters.
36. Don’t ever be afraid to be you!
37. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay.
38. Thank you for being a great friend.
39. You can make it happen.
40. Your smile is beautiful.
41. You inspire me.
42. You’re my hero.
43. I have the best son/daughter.
44. I  love your creativity.
45. You’re braver than you believe.

Natasha Brown

Love of impromptu dance parties, 80’s cartoons, and horizontal life pauses (aka naps); Natasha Brown is a stay at home mom of 4 kids, and wife to one lucky guy! In her spare time, she is co-editor of Grits & Grace, as well as editor for The Mother Hustler Blog and Creative Director for the Mother Hustler podcast.

www.themotherhustlerblog.com