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Grieving During the Holidays: Remember You Do Not Owe Anyone Anything During This Time

November 21, 2019 in Grace

So often during this time of year, everyone wants us to smile, and while we may smile, attend office parties, host our own Friendsgiving and post-Instagram worthy photos, it doesn’t change that on the inside we want to scream and just lay in the bed and cry.

It’s been eleven years since I experienced my first true loss that has affected my mood during the holidays. Since then I’ve lost three family members to cancer, my grandmother and two friends to suicide (one just a few months ago).

You’ll have people who call or text, wanting you to hang out, and while you may go, you know you just don’t want to be there. 

Most of us have become pros at “faking the funk” as my mom would say.  We are so good at hiding our pain that people don’t believe we are going through anything. Whether they believe it or not, it’s not for you to worry about.

Grace is a must

During this time one of the best things you can do is give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. This isn’t the time of year where you should have to hide your emotions to satiate anyone else’s feelings. If you are sad or mourning, please know and understand that it is natural.

Try not to fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things in order to make the holiday “normal.” Meaning, if you feel sad, please allow the tears to come. If you are angry and you need to vent, allow yourself to safely do so as well.

Even in a family, it’s important to remember that we all grieve differently and that in itself can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

The same way no one should make you feel bad or guilty for your grief; if you want to be cheerful and celebrate the holidays in all of its glory do so. No one should make you feel bad about that either.

Reach out for support

It’s completely natural to want to back away from everyone and everything. If you are experiencing tough emotions and need someone to talk to, seek out family and friends to help you through it. However, be mindful that they might be coping with their own feelings or immersed in the holidays that they cannot offer the support you need.

If this is the case, grief support groups are a great way to make sure that your feelings are being heard and your emotional needs are being met. If you need help finding one in your area, Grief Share is a great site to see if there are services available near you. Local churches, community centers, funeral homes, or a hospice are also places where you can go to find a group that suits you.

64 ways to cope with grief

There was a great list I found on ways to cope with grief during the holidays, you can read the full post here. I wanted to pull out a few of my favorite activities to help deal with grief during the holidays that I have found to be helpful for my own situation.

  1. Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they will be tough.
  2. Decide which traditions you want to keep.
  3. Decide which traditions you want to change.
  4.  Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one.
  5. Decide where you want to spend the holidays – you may want to switch up the location, or it may be of comfort to keep it the same.  Either way, make a conscious decision about location.
  6. Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
  7. Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
  8. Remember that the way others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the holiday.
  9. Visit your loved one’s gravesite and leave a grave blanket, wreath, poinsettia, or another meaningful holiday item.
  10. Skip holiday events if you are in holiday overload.

This can be a difficult time of year. We cant’ always expect everyone around us to understand why it’s so hard. If they aren’t understanding, keep your cool and establish a boundary around yourself to protect your emotions during this tough time. Remember to place your emotional needs first.

If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 to speak with a professional counselor

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Natasha Brown is a mom of four and head sock finder in her home. Grits & Grace was started as a way to meet other southern moms who love everything from their smock dresses and Lily Pulitzer to sweet tea. Let's connect!

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Instagram post 2191552714630267066_4152450831 Getting my 11yo son to read has been quite a task! For him it was about finding the right books, but I wanted to expose him to a variety. So he and I made a compromise and this is where @owlcratejr came in! Each month this a themed book box for middle grades and each one so far has been something that he is in love this! This months box features parallel worlds!
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#kidlit, #mgbooks, #kidsbookstagram, #bookishplay, #kidslovebooks, #readingisfundamental
Instagram post 2190432386470485516_4152450831 AD: I have used to always look forward to visiting my grandparent's home during the holidays and experiencing my grandmother's amazing cooking! Even though they are no longer here, I love that I am able to carry on the tradition of being able to share her amazing dishes with my husband and children, and in hopes that one day I can pass on the secret recipe box to my son and daughters! I want to know about your favorite holiday traditions! I've partnered with @FoodLion to share my favorite memory, now let's hear yours! Let me know in the comments how you celebrate and some of your favorite memories! https://izea.it/asBXwfG #OurHome #MakeMoreMerry
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​Kids are learning how to code, without actually being in front of a device! If you are a parent who is concerned about screen time the same as I am, this is a major win/win!​​​​​​​Intelino provides a basic instruction leaflet that is easy to read, so the kids were pretty much able to start putting it together on their own.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Instagram post 2186489576537144852_4152450831 I just love it when classic characters are upgraded and given fun new stories that we can continue to enjoy! The Old Lady is no different!

Ever since my oldest was a baby (she’s now 15), I have enjoyed reading these stories to her, of course at that time, the Old Lady had only swallowed a fly. Since then it’s been snow, turkeys, bats and now even a cow! There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Cow from @scholasticinc 
Aaryn loves to hear me “sing” this particular story to her, and the best part is watching her get excited about what animal is going to end up on the next page! 
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Instagram post 2191552714630267066_4152450831 Getting my 11yo son to read has been quite a task! For him it was about finding the right books, but I wanted to expose him to a variety. So he and I made a compromise and this is where @owlcratejr came in! Each month this a themed book box for middle grades and each one so far has been something that he is in love this! This months box features parallel worlds!
.
.
.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#ilovereading #bookcommunity #bookaddiction #bookobsessed #goodreads #instabooks #bookblogger #readersofinstagram #ireadya #youngadult #yareads #yalovin #booklife #bookstagrammer #bookaholic #instabook #booknerd #booklover #bookphotography #bookworld #greatreads #toread #becauseofreading #booksofinstagram⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#kidlit, #mgbooks, #kidsbookstagram, #bookishplay, #kidslovebooks, #readingisfundamental
Instagram post 2190432386470485516_4152450831 AD: I have used to always look forward to visiting my grandparent's home during the holidays and experiencing my grandmother's amazing cooking! Even though they are no longer here, I love that I am able to carry on the tradition of being able to share her amazing dishes with my husband and children, and in hopes that one day I can pass on the secret recipe box to my son and daughters! I want to know about your favorite holiday traditions! I've partnered with @FoodLion to share my favorite memory, now let's hear yours! Let me know in the comments how you celebrate and some of your favorite memories! https://izea.it/asBXwfG #OurHome #MakeMoreMerry
Instagram post 2189384418938782632_4152450831 We are always looking for exciting ways to engage the kids in a fun screen-free activity.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Intelino smart train makes the train playtime more magical and exciting than ever.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Having the appeal of a child’s first train set, much like my own from childhood, the intelino smart train, with the updated smart features, is a fun twist in a classic toy that really allows kids to have more control over it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Intelino provides a basic instruction leaflet that is enough to get you going. There is also an instruction card for the action snaps that explains what colors and sequence of color can be used to provide instructions to the train like turn left, or right, or increase speed, or decrease speed, etc. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
​Kids are learning how to code, without actually being in front of a device! If you are a parent who is concerned about screen time the same as I am, this is a major win/win!​​​​​​​Intelino provides a basic instruction leaflet that is easy to read, so the kids were pretty much able to start putting it together on their own.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#kidsactivities #stemactivities #intelinosmarttrain #kidstoys #christmasshopping #codingactivities #blackgirlscode
Instagram post 2187928840748015253_4152450831 🎼 Can’t nobody tell me nothing 🎶 Yep it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and my house looks like a winter wonderland. Mariah and the temptations on full blast all morning, with White Christmas playing on Netflix. It really is the most wonderful time of the year! When do you put your tree up?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #ChristmasTreeDecorating #holidaystyle #ChristmasCountDown #ChristmasPresents #ChristmasTradition #ChristmasTree #Decorating  #TisTheSeason #SeasonsGreetings #ChristmasShopping #HolidaySavings #BlackFriday #CyberMonday #StockingStuffer #WishList #ChristmasBloggerBash #HolidaysAreComing  #ChristmasAroundTheCorner #ChristmasTraditions #ChristmasJokes ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #ChristmasSpirit #ChristmasLoading #ChristmasFun #ChristmasCheer #ChristmasMood #ChristmasMagic #ChristmasIsComing #ChristmasLove #Christmassy #ChristmasVibes
Instagram post 2187443353247076281_4152450831 When dinner isn’t quite ready but you still have plenty of pages in your favorite book. #thanksgivingdinner #thanksgivingwithblackfamilies  #wellreadblackgirls #browngirlswhowrite #browngirlswhoread #melaninsisters #sisterlove #childrenspicturebooks #yalit #blackmomsblog #blackfamilies #blackfamiliesbelike #blackgirljoy #blackgirlslay #teammelanin #melaninmagic
Instagram post 2186489576537144852_4152450831 I just love it when classic characters are upgraded and given fun new stories that we can continue to enjoy! The Old Lady is no different!

Ever since my oldest was a baby (she’s now 15), I have enjoyed reading these stories to her, of course at that time, the Old Lady had only swallowed a fly. Since then it’s been snow, turkeys, bats and now even a cow! There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Cow from @scholasticinc 
Aaryn loves to hear me “sing” this particular story to her, and the best part is watching her get excited about what animal is going to end up on the next page! 
If you are looking for a fun and engaging story, I highly recommend this one for your little one! #scholasticbooks #childrenspicturebooks #childrenspicturebook #scholasticbook #childrensbooks #melaninbabies #wellreadblackgirl #wellreadkids #bookstagram #bookgramit
Instagram post 2185868052524315455_4152450831 Teaching your kids about money is an important part of parenting. Often times people graduate from high school, and even college, with little to no concept of how to save money, make investments or manage their taxes. The appropriate age for your child to learn about money is total up to you, however imparting financial knowledge to them is highly important and the sooner you share your knowledge with them the better off they will be. 
Beyond Piggy Banks and Lemonade Stands: How To Teach Young Kids About Finance by @lizfrazierpeck from @rowmanandlittlefield is a must have for all parents!. If you are a parent and are not sure where to begin when it comes to teaching your kids about finances, then I have a PERFECT book for you!

What I loved most about this book and Frazier's tips, is that her concepts are broken down (like part 1 for instance with 2 subparts and mini or “bite-size” pieces) for parents to follow along and put into practice. Her advice is straight to the point and she doesn't make parents who do not know the information already, feel guilty for not knowing.

It's a teaching tool for parents and kids to go through and learn together (if they need it). Since we are the newest generation of parents, she is giving us a way to help guide our kids down the right path to *hopefully* avoid financial failure in the future!
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