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Please, Stop Demonizing Black Motherhood

February 8, 2019 in Motherhood

Becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful moments of a woman’s life. It doesn’t matter if you gave birth, adopted or became a stepmother; whether it’s your first child or your fifth. It’s a time to be celebrated by all.

However, for black women, it seems that isn’t the case. Unlike our counterparts from other races, black women are often shamed for their pregnancies. Is there a rampant epidemic of single-parent homes in the black community? Yes, it is. But are black women solely at fault for that? No. (unless I am mistaken, the immaculate conception was a one time deal, and hasn’t happened in thousands of years).

Before I continue, let me say this (because I know it’s coming). All mothers face certain challenges. All mothers have issues when it comes to support. But that is not what this is about. This is about very specific problems that black mothers face and that frankly are caused by our own community. So if you going to “all moms matter” this post, please go ahead and exit.

For some reason, the burden of fatherless homes, the child support system, government benefits, gang violence, black poverty and so forth, all fall on the shoulders of black women. We are the ones at fault for everything wrong in our community. (Those darn “degree’s” that we obtained through higher education, I guess we should have worked on nation-building instead).

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.-Nissan Panwar

For black women, especially those who have children prior to marriage; it seems as if certain elements of society want us to be relegated to a baby mama role. Even for married black women who choose to have large families, we are often stereotyped and it assumed that the children are by multiple men and that we must live off of the system.

It seems as if more and more, people have forgotten that black love and marriage does in fact exist.

But wait… 

Being Married Doesn’t Seem To Matter

While millions of fans from around the world congratulated Ciara and Russell Wilson on their pregnancy, there were those who, well let’s just say, felt the need to be unnecessarily negative. With comments such as:

“Ciara’s a hoe.” 

“She’s pregnant already?”

If you are anything like me, you probably had to take a moment to process this.

My guess is the people who resorted to these types of comments, most likely were not exposed to nor ever witnessed, a woman going from single mother finding love and getting married; therefore in their eyes, this is something out of the realm of possibility.

Single mother to a married woman. It’s not a unicorn, nor a yeti. This concept actually exists and happens more often than not.

So why are we treated as if we have done something wrong once we find love? I wish I had the answer to this. Our community has a lot of work when it comes to respecting black women as whole, regardless of their marital status.

The Curiosity of Strangers

When speaking about black mothers being shamed, I would be remiss if I did not mention Beyonce. This is a woman, who has had her share of pregnancy ups and downs (being very open about her heartbreak after her miscarriage) while enduring a love/hate relationship with the media (and internet trolls). With the simple (yet simple), pregnancy announcement, accompanied by a series of photos released the next day, the internet went wild with criticism. Article after article talked about how classless and tasteless the photos were.  For those who didn’t get it, I would like to say if you are going to write about how black culture, please take the time to understand it.  Side note: saying that you were a history major in college doesn’t mean you understand it.

I would like to point out two pieces of criticism in particular. The first, written by  Leandra Medine, in which she decided to chastise Beyonce for her announcement, saying that it was painful to women who are struggling to get pregnant or those who have suffered a loss themselves, and perhaps Beyonce should have remained more humble. Humble? The author is criticizing the way a celebrity decides to celebrate her pregnancy while publishing this on a blog, that as one commenter pointed out “promotes wildly expensive clothing that’s certainly out of the reach for most readers.” Medine, who apparently did not research prior to writing this, did not understand that Beyonce herself talked about her first pregnancy loss in 2011 in her documentary “Life Is But A Dream”.  I wholeheartedly sympathize with any woman who has suffered pregnancy loss, however, two weeks ago, there was no uproar about Natalie Portman’s Vanity Fair photo spread, in which she decided to channel Demi Moore. Why? That is a question I will save for Medine and the next author.

The second piece, written for the Independent, actually talks about how the author herself copied Moore’s iconic VF photo but goes on to point out the flaws with Beyonce’s flawless photo. Got damn, got damn, got damn.  What this author is forgetting is that not every pregnancy is the same. Not everyone gets acne and stretch marks. And when you have millions, you can ensure that you don’t get those things as well. We all know her first pregnancy was riddled with one conspiracy after the other. Whether you choose to believe she had a surrogate or not, the bigger question is, what does it matter to you? No matter how the child is conceived, motherhood is to be celebrated. Not only that, there are millions of women, white, black, Hispanic, and Asian, who are not comfortable admitting their infertility issues. For some it makes them feel incomplete or less than a woman. *If* this were the case for Beyonce, who are we to judge how she went about her first pregnancy.

Beyonce has come to represent the joy and power of black motherhood for somewomen. I just have to point out, if you think that anything Beyonce does, is without layers of symbolism, thought and meaning, then you have no idea what true artistry is.  However, this is bigger than just Beyonce. Black women are at a higher risk of experiencing issues during their pregnancies than that of white women. This is due to many factors, but most notably the lack of access to quality maternity and overall healthcare needs.

“According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), black women are dying during pregnancy, childbirth, and the year immediately following childbirth at nearly four times the rate of white women. While poor women are at greater risk of dying than women who have higher incomes, the disparity between black and white women is consistent at all income levels.”

Big Families=Automatic Ridicule

We received multiple negative, vulgar comments such as “you need to learn how to keep your legs closed,” “breeding like animals,” “you’re selfish to keep having all those kids,” “birth control is an option,” “his pull out game is weak,” “keep her pregnant and barefooted,” “Black people always making babies but be the main ones who can’t take care of them,” “she gon be stuck with all the kids when he leaves her,”-Martavia Wynn

These types of incidents are not exclusive to just Ciara nor Beyonce. NFL wife Martavia Wynn was met with similar comments when she announced their pregnancy via Instagram. Comments ranging from her needing to use birth control, and keeping her legs closed (similar to that of what Ciara received), were left under her picture.  It seems as if married or single, black mothers are constantly being undermined in one way or another. (You can read Wynn’s thoughts on this in her full interview with My Brown Baby . Also, thank you to her for allowing me to use her photo)

Being a mom of five, I have faced my fair share of criticism as well. I remember all of the nasty looks I received while I was pregnant with Aaryn and all of the passive aggressive comments. It can very hurtful. Especially when it comes from family.

While the average family size in America is not as big as it was fifty years ago, there seems to still be love for big families; but only if you are white. Shows like “Big Love”, “Kate Plus Eight” or “Out Daughtered” are met with open arms, while in real life for black women they are often met with scorn or asked questions such as “do they all have the same father?”

This isn’t to say that doesn’t happen to women who are white, as I know plenty of white women who experience the same invasive questions. However, it makes one wonder, why are people so comfortable being outwardly ignorant. But that is a question for another time.

Being happily married isn’t something that is only designed for the childless or white, Hispanic or Asian women. Believe it or not, black women deserve happiness, marriage, and a healthy, happy, STABLE family life as well.

Natasha Brown

Love of impromptu dance parties, 80’s cartoons, and horizontal life pauses (aka naps); Natasha Brown is a stay at home mom of 4 kids, and wife to one lucky guy! In her spare time, she is co-editor of Grits & Grace, as well as editor for The Mother Hustler Blog and Creative Director for the Mother Hustler podcast.

www.themotherhustlerblog.com

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Natasha Brown is a mom of four and head sock finder in her home. Grits & Grace was started as a way to meet other southern moms who love everything from their smock dresses and Lily Pulitzer to sweet tea. Let's connect!

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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

This is my mantra for the day and probably the next several days. My husband and I received some devastating news yesterday, and I truly don’t know how to react. 

‘Do I post? Do I take a break from social media? Should I take a day off?’
All these thoughts have been running through my head, but through tragedy, we must keep going, that’s what our lost loved ones would want. They would want us to thrive and be mentally and emotionally strong, so that’s what I’m going to do. We may be going through hell, but we will keep going. 

#mentalstrength #emotionalstrength #family #familylove #loss #lossofalovedone #mindovermatter #realmomsofinstagram #itsokaynottobeokay #prayers #prayersforhealing #ifyouregoingthroughhellkeepgoing #pushthrough #focus #takeabreak
My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother y My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother yesterday.⠀
⠀
Even as I type this those words are unreal. He was only 33 years of age. He was honestly my sons best friend, he and my brother are the younger cool uncles, who every kid wishes they had. My husband is my rock, and has been for nearly 12 years. Over the last 8 years I have dealt with death after death in my family and he has been there for me. This time being on the other side, I admit that I do not know what to do.⠀
⠀
We laughed with his sister who asked “when people ask what do you need, what are you supposed to say?” She’s right. None of us know what to say. Is it okay to ask for a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or just someone to vent to?⠀
⠀
My husband is not the type to express his needs. He doesn’t show anger or sadness. So trying to figure out how to support him has been hard. I know he is sick of me asking “are you okay?”, I can’t help it. To support the whole family I’m taking on quite a bit of extra duties and through all of this I have one major thing I have realized- YOU grieve how YOU want to grieve ⠀
⠀
Try not to fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things in order to feel normal. Meaning, if you feel sad, please allow the tears to come. If you are angry and you need to vent, allow yourself to safely do so as well.⠀
⠀
Even in a family, it’s important to remember that we all grieve differently and that in itself can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.⠀
⠀
I’ve spent most of the day calling funeral homes, figuring out clothes needed to dress a deceased loved one, and finding a suit for my son and husband. Now that I have a moment, I’m just watching Chris as he sleeps. Figuring out how to be there for him and my children who are hurting. There are so many things that have occurred in the last 24 hours, and maybe one day I will talk about it.⠀
⠀
But in the meantime hold your loved ones tight. ❤️❤️ #familyisforever
On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. Whether he likes it or not. 😂😂😂

He really thought I was going to hit @sisqo ‘s note like that...nah

#blacklovematters #blackcouples #blacklovepage #viralquotes #millennialmarriage #realmomsofinstagram
We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our lives and to make sure our children have better educational opportunities. Being black In Forsyth County...being black in Cumming, Georgia is not easy.⠀
⠀
We have had people drive by us making money sounds as we walk across the parking lot, we were called the n word. This past Tuesday we couldn’t even vote because our names mysteriously were not on the rolls, even though we are registered and received welcome letters from the GOP (and we are far from republicans). My children have even faced racism from their teachers. ⠀
⠀
Being a black American, black mother, black woman is exhausting. I’m terrified when my husband leaves the house. I hate sending my son to school. I hate sending my girls to school. ⠀
⠀
The riot at the Capitol building reaffirmed everything that we were taught as kids. Stay on your p’s and q’s, and the color of your skin does matter. No matter how many times someone says “I hear you, I see you”, the truth is we will never be seen, nor heard. ⠀
⠀
When you are the mother of five beautiful souls and have been trusted to raise them to love everyone, that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard to know people question how can you afford the home you have. When you are chillin in the front yard and the cops slow alllllll the way down to see what you are up to. ⠀
⠀
I just want to live my life in peace. I want know that when the mister leaves, he’s good. When my black son walks home from school that he won’t have any problems. When I go to the grocery store the asinine cashier won’t ask if I have an EBT card...which I don’t. But if I did, so the heck what?⠀
⠀
I shouldn’t have to prove that I belong. But everyday I am, it’s exhausting. #blacklivesmatter #realmotherhood #honestmotherhood #blackandmarriedwithkids #blackmillennials #blacklove #blackmotherhood
Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There will always be things that occur that we don’t agree with, but sometimes we just have to let them happen. 

Follow me in the @LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app to shop this post and get my exclusive app-only content!

#liketkit #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKcurves #LTKunder50
@liketoknow.it
http://liketk.it/35oRm
Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit down and write down my goals and what it is I want to achieve.  I practiced manifestation methods like 33x3 and 55x5. Maybe one day I’ll share how I manifested $15000 in 3 days.

I’ve found that it’s always helped me visualize what it is I want or need. And it has to be absolutely quiet when I do so. 

Do you believe in manifesting? If so, how often do you use this technique? 
#manifestyourlife #manifestthatshit #goalsetter #angelnumbers #spiritualdevelopment #soulpath
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

This is my mantra for the day and probably the next several days. My husband and I received some devastating news yesterday, and I truly don’t know how to react. 

‘Do I post? Do I take a break from social media? Should I take a day off?’
All these thoughts have been running through my head, but through tragedy, we must keep going, that’s what our lost loved ones would want. They would want us to thrive and be mentally and emotionally strong, so that’s what I’m going to do. We may be going through hell, but we will keep going. 

#mentalstrength #emotionalstrength #family #familylove #loss #lossofalovedone #mindovermatter #realmomsofinstagram #itsokaynottobeokay #prayers #prayersforhealing #ifyouregoingthroughhellkeepgoing #pushthrough #focus #takeabreak
My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother y My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother yesterday.⠀
⠀
Even as I type this those words are unreal. He was only 33 years of age. He was honestly my sons best friend, he and my brother are the younger cool uncles, who every kid wishes they had. My husband is my rock, and has been for nearly 12 years. Over the last 8 years I have dealt with death after death in my family and he has been there for me. This time being on the other side, I admit that I do not know what to do.⠀
⠀
We laughed with his sister who asked “when people ask what do you need, what are you supposed to say?” She’s right. None of us know what to say. Is it okay to ask for a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or just someone to vent to?⠀
⠀
My husband is not the type to express his needs. He doesn’t show anger or sadness. So trying to figure out how to support him has been hard. I know he is sick of me asking “are you okay?”, I can’t help it. To support the whole family I’m taking on quite a bit of extra duties and through all of this I have one major thing I have realized- YOU grieve how YOU want to grieve ⠀
⠀
Try not to fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things in order to feel normal. Meaning, if you feel sad, please allow the tears to come. If you are angry and you need to vent, allow yourself to safely do so as well.⠀
⠀
Even in a family, it’s important to remember that we all grieve differently and that in itself can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.⠀
⠀
I’ve spent most of the day calling funeral homes, figuring out clothes needed to dress a deceased loved one, and finding a suit for my son and husband. Now that I have a moment, I’m just watching Chris as he sleeps. Figuring out how to be there for him and my children who are hurting. There are so many things that have occurred in the last 24 hours, and maybe one day I will talk about it.⠀
⠀
But in the meantime hold your loved ones tight. ❤️❤️ #familyisforever
On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. Whether he likes it or not. 😂😂😂

He really thought I was going to hit @sisqo ‘s note like that...nah

#blacklovematters #blackcouples #blacklovepage #viralquotes #millennialmarriage #realmomsofinstagram
We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our lives and to make sure our children have better educational opportunities. Being black In Forsyth County...being black in Cumming, Georgia is not easy.⠀
⠀
We have had people drive by us making money sounds as we walk across the parking lot, we were called the n word. This past Tuesday we couldn’t even vote because our names mysteriously were not on the rolls, even though we are registered and received welcome letters from the GOP (and we are far from republicans). My children have even faced racism from their teachers. ⠀
⠀
Being a black American, black mother, black woman is exhausting. I’m terrified when my husband leaves the house. I hate sending my son to school. I hate sending my girls to school. ⠀
⠀
The riot at the Capitol building reaffirmed everything that we were taught as kids. Stay on your p’s and q’s, and the color of your skin does matter. No matter how many times someone says “I hear you, I see you”, the truth is we will never be seen, nor heard. ⠀
⠀
When you are the mother of five beautiful souls and have been trusted to raise them to love everyone, that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard to know people question how can you afford the home you have. When you are chillin in the front yard and the cops slow alllllll the way down to see what you are up to. ⠀
⠀
I just want to live my life in peace. I want know that when the mister leaves, he’s good. When my black son walks home from school that he won’t have any problems. When I go to the grocery store the asinine cashier won’t ask if I have an EBT card...which I don’t. But if I did, so the heck what?⠀
⠀
I shouldn’t have to prove that I belong. But everyday I am, it’s exhausting. #blacklivesmatter #realmotherhood #honestmotherhood #blackandmarriedwithkids #blackmillennials #blacklove #blackmotherhood
Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There will always be things that occur that we don’t agree with, but sometimes we just have to let them happen. 

Follow me in the @LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app to shop this post and get my exclusive app-only content!

#liketkit #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKcurves #LTKunder50
@liketoknow.it
http://liketk.it/35oRm
Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit down and write down my goals and what it is I want to achieve.  I practiced manifestation methods like 33x3 and 55x5. Maybe one day I’ll share how I manifested $15000 in 3 days.

I’ve found that it’s always helped me visualize what it is I want or need. And it has to be absolutely quiet when I do so. 

Do you believe in manifesting? If so, how often do you use this technique? 
#manifestyourlife #manifestthatshit #goalsetter #angelnumbers #spiritualdevelopment #soulpath
My husband constantly asks me if getting fresh flo My husband constantly asks me if getting fresh flowers to keep in the house every week is a southern thing. Who knows, I just think it adds something beautiful to our home. 

Are you team fresh or fake when it comes to flowers?
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