Having a village or support system is important for every family. The village just isn’t about being able to call someone to babysit for a date night with your significant other, but having people there to help support you through motherhood. Your village doesn’t need to be family either. Sometimes a strong network of friends is just as good (if not better).
Not having a village can make parenting very isolating. You don’t want to invite just anyone into your life or that of your child’s, so making sure you have people around who meet your standards, can be difficult; as it may come off that you’re stuck up or picky, when that is not the case. It can mean not having date nights or weekend getaways with your husband/wife. Or not being able to enjoy something as simple as going to a movie.
Even though your village may be lacking, as mothers (and fathers), we often find an inner strength that we didn’t know we had. We understand that sometimes we just have to deal. And that in itself can make us stronger.
However, I do want to caution, a lot of times we can turn ourselves into a martyr as well. We have people who want to be a part of our village, but we turn them away. This isn’t to say you have to welcome any and everyone into your circle, but what I am saying is that it’s okay to ask and even receive help sometimes. While I have a wonderful family, my network of mom friends is just about non existent. Sure I have a few, but its the bond that I would like to have and that is what is currently lacking. There are no play dates or birthday parties, or anything like that. There are times where I feel like that point in my life has passed, and I should give up trying to fill that void(but I will save that for another time).
If you aren’t able to find a village where you are, there a lots of online groups that can offer that same comfort, even if they can’t physically be there with you. However, if you have people who want to help, don’t be afraid (if you’re comfortable) to accept. Its okay to say “yes I need help” or to reach out because you are overwhelmed.
Love of impromptu dance parties, 80’s cartoons, and horizontal life pauses (aka naps); Natasha Brown is a stay at home mom of 4 kids, and wife to one lucky guy! In her spare time, she is co-editor of Grits & Grace, as well as editor for The Mother Hustler Blog and Creative Director for the Mother Hustler podcast.
I can SO SO SO relate to this. I have no family anywhere near, and we move every 2 years because of my husband’s job, so friends are made but not DEEP connections (the ones where you can ask for help in the drop of a dime). It’s hard, SO damn hard. I feel sorry for myself at times, but I can’t let that kind of thinking creep in – it just consumes me. Every day, just keep on swimming!
This needed to be written, so thank you! I recently wrote about my toxic family, and this ties in. You don’t even realize your own strength until it’s called upon.
Wow thank you for being so transparent. Although I am not a mother, I am a nanny. Once the new four year old started up school, the play dates and birthday parties started too. I’m not quite sure what your situation is but if your little ones haven’t started school yet just wait! They’ll make friends and then hopefully you will be able to connect with their friends’ parents! I have connected with a couple of the moms of friends of the 4 year old and I’m just the nanny! Don’t be dismayed, your village will grow. <3
Having lived in different continents with toddlers in tow I can relate t o this. Thankfully I have been fortunate to find that support from unexpected quarters.
I think this is becoming more and more common. I have friends who moved out of state for work only to have to move back after having kids because they just couldn’t handle it alone. I personally have no village. It is hell. But now that she’s getting a bit older, it’s finally getting better. But I would love to have a village or any support.
I can definitely relate to this. We’ve moved to a different state (once across the country) twice since my oldest was born. It’s so hard not having family or close friends nearby, especially with young children.
I can relate to this. My closest relatives live about an hour away, but after my grandparents passed, that side of the family parted ways. I moved to be with my husband and his growing career. My best mom friend moved to MN for her husband’s job. My mom group I was a part of only has moms of infants and toddlers, so I felt out of place. I know I will be able to find my group once my two youngest get in school, but I feel so alone for the time being. It’s tough, but I find it better to do things alone because I know what the routines are and how to meet my children’s needs. Plus, I know one day, I will miss meeting their every little demand, so I soak it up while I can.
I can also relate. I don’t have a village. My family lives close but really doesn’t care too much about my little family and the other side just doesn’t care. I find it hard sometimes to understand why they just don’t care and it’s made me realize that I have to be the one to support my child and be there for him because others are not. It’s lonely but I’m learning to be strong. I would love to have a group of moms even if online who could support each other…I think that would help a lot.
Toxic family members can be the worst. Even when you are forced to cut people out of your life for good reasons, you can end up questioning if it was the right decision. We have had to do it, and while I was sad, it was a decision I had to make.
I agree it’s becoming more commonplace. I think people are not afraid to venture out for work as much as they used to be. 20-30+ years ago, it was common to get married and just stay in one place until you retire, now people are more anxious to get out and see the world.
Posts like these make me realize how fortunate I am to have the village that I have.
I feel you. I moved from my hometown and I lost most of my friends. Still, my husbands parents and relatives live near by and my family really is an hour drive away, buut I really miss having friends. I had one, we met at nursery, but unfortunatelly they moved away last year, leaving me again alone. As a blogger you gain many “on-line” friends but it just isn’t the same as the good old talk and laughter over a cup of coffee. #Boostyourblog
I can relate to this. Thank you for sharing. I often wish we lived closer to family because it gets so hard sometimes. But I’m thankful for the life I have.
I’m working on this! We live far from family and our closest neighbor is 3 miles away. I am hoping to ask our pastor’s daughter to watch our son some night soon so we can get a date!
This spoke to my heart. My husband travels for work 85% of the time. My family lives two hours away and his family, although in the same town, are minimally involved. I am noticing it now more than ever as I am transitioning my 8 mo old into his crib. It feels so lonely. I work full time and so when I pick him up from his sitters and get home, it’s a mad dash to get him fed, the dogs fed, me fed, play time and then already the dreaded bedtime.
It is an island and I am needing a village. Thank you for sharing this
Hugs to you! My husband used to have a terrible work schedule and I wouldn’t see him most of the time. Even now when he works late, I get anxiety because of how stressful it is to do everything. I’ve started taking things slow. I no longer rush to get them fed. If I get home later than usual, I take time to unwind, not just for my sake, but the kids as well. And then I start dinner. It puts all of us in a much more relaxed mood. And bedtime…that’s another beast-so I totally get it.
I agree 100% on slowing things down. I joined a mom group on fbook to get support however, I sometimes feel more pressure from them than anyone. Do this, don’t do this, you should try this, don’t try that. Eventually I just had to shut it down and say, if my kid doesn’t want to try solids yet, I’m not going to push him. If he doesn’t get to sleep right at 8p then that’s okay too. He’s happy and healthy and that’s all that matters to me. Again, thank you for the encouragement. It’s always nice to know that we don’t carry this burden alone.
You’re very welcome! Remember always trust your gut first when it comes to your child. You know them better than anyone!
YES! Motherhood can be so lonely and hard, ESPECIALLY without a village. Great post, thanks for sharing!
I experienced this every time we moved. Plus never had family to help. We raised our children on our own.
I don’t have family close by either! It can for sure be hard. I have been fortunate enough to find other like minded friends that I can rely on!
Toxic family members can be the worst. Sigh. Thanks for sharing.
I love this post and I agree which is why I started a facebook group for helping mom find their mom tribe. I’m all about having good friends around.
First off *Hugs* & Thank You for writing this. It can be so hard to be a mom without many mommy friends. I can completely relate. I seem to push more people away through circumstances than I ever do keeping friends. I agree there are some great online groups and that is where some of the best friendships I have made have come from. I also agree though, playdates and birthday parties and all that are things kids and parents need. Hang in there momma. You are truly special and I am so happy I found your blog <3
That definitely sounds like it would be very difficult. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.