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Why I’m Continuing to Raise My Son to Be Amazing & Without Fear, Despite the Target on His Back

November 25, 2018 in Lifestyle

Let me preface this by saying that I know there are plenty of moms like me who want to raise boys who are caring, sensitive and basically not total douchebags (for lack of a better word choice). As the mother of a black son, I feel there are extra challenges in place that will make it difficult for my son as he gets older.

I’m not going to sugar coat the fact that I know my son has an automatic target on his back. It scares the shit out of me in a daily basis, and sometimes (more often than I’d like to admit), I will find myself with tears running down my face thinking about how unfair it is.

You may see the word unfair and think that I am over exaggerating and being extra, but I’m not.

It’s unfair that every time my husband, son, father or brother are out that I have to worry.

It’s unfair that my son has white friends who make comments to him telling he’s not that kind of black person (at 10 who on earth even says this?) because he’s into Star Wars (hey, blerds exist and have for a long time).

It’s unfair that my son can’t ride his bike around without fear or just exist because others assume he is a threat.

All moms worry about their kids. But the level of worry that black mothers have just isn’t natural.

Our first encounter with how the real world will perceive him happened when we stopped at the gas station on the way to my grandmothers funeral. I was 6 months pregnant and profusely losing my breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the parking lot. My son offered to run inside and purchase me a ginger ale while my husband helped me pull it together.

At 10 he’s often gone into the store to make purchases with my debit card if I don’t have cash, so this is was big deal. By the time I pulled myself together I noticed that he had been in the store for quite some time, so I went in to check on him. He was being grilled by the cashier and some random woman asking where did he get the debit card from. My ten-year-old who normally so full of life looked terrified.

Although I handled that situation, I began to think about the “what if’s” that could have occurred:

What if I wasn’t there?

What if they had called the cops?

What if some overzealous security guard thought he stole the card and wanted to restrain my ten years old?

These are all questions that I have in my head, and it filled me with more dread than I’d like to imagine.

Most importantly I didn’t understand why didn’t realize why didn’t they just listen to him or even stick their head out the door to see that he was telling the truth.

What was already an incredibly emotional time for my family, was escalated because two women wrongly assumed my son was a thief. Apparently, in their world, no parent would ever give their child a debit card to make a purchase. (Maybe some don’t, but I do, rather frequently and so do many other parents that I know).

Also, let me throw in the fact that my son is also autistic. While high functioning, we have taken many strides over the years to make sure he stays that way. There are moments when he completely shuts down–not just for minutes, but for months. I could see in his face how terrified he was and that in a way, his innocence had been lost.

When my husband and I talked to him later about the incident, he relayed to us that the old woman behind him in line made a comment once he presented the card saying “who did you steal that from?” and looked at the cashier saying “you know they always steal everything.” He couldn’t figure out what they she was referring to.

As a mother, I shouldn’t have to point out that there are people in society who are just racist pieces of crap to my kids a young age. I see so many moms in online threads like Scary Mommy, Romper and Babble, point out how they don’t teach their kids to see color and how awful it is to talk to young kids about simple things like being sensitive to other cultures (because it ruins their innocence), like it’s a glorious thing. Doesn’t anyone stop to think that moms of color would love to have those rose-colored glasses, even if just for a day?

Meanwhile, these same women have no issue simultaneously negating the fact that moms like me don’t have the luxury to not teach our kids about the real world, because if we don’t, our kids may have to learn the hard way.

My son didn’t understand that not everyone will ask questions first, but at 10 I had to tell him. He also doesn’t get that people will look past his “preppy” wardrobe (or in this case 3 piece Calvin Klein suit) and only see his skin color, assuming first that because of that he is up to no good.

They don’t care that you come from a two parent home.

They don’t care that you play golf and love coding.

They sure as hell don’t care that you’re an honor student.

Despite all of the negative, it’s important that my son knows that no matter what people think of him, he still needs to the best he can be. He will continue to be an honor student, he will continue to remain the same caring and loving young boy that he always was. As his mother, it is my job to not shield him from the realities of the world, but to teach him how to deal with it. In that respect, I will remain honest with him in every way possible.

Being Christian, I try to hold true to the things that I’ve been taught. Over the years that is one Bible verse that has always stood out to me:

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My son now looks at the world and people a lot differently. He is still eager to go into the store and make purchases for me. But he won’t go without my teenage daughter. He has said maybe they will be less likely to think he steals if he has his sister with him.

I haven’t had the heart to tell him, no sweetie, not even that matters.

Natasha Brown

Love of impromptu dance parties, 80’s cartoons, and horizontal life pauses (aka naps); Natasha Brown is a stay at home mom of 4 kids, and wife to one lucky guy! In her spare time, she is co-editor of Grits & Grace, as well as editor for The Mother Hustler Blog and Creative Director for the Mother Hustler podcast.

www.themotherhustlerblog.com

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Natasha Brown is a mom of four and head sock finder in her home. Grits & Grace was started as a way to meet other southern moms who love everything from their smock dresses and Lily Pulitzer to sweet tea. Let's connect!

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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

This is my mantra for the day and probably the next several days. My husband and I received some devastating news yesterday, and I truly don’t know how to react. 

‘Do I post? Do I take a break from social media? Should I take a day off?’
All these thoughts have been running through my head, but through tragedy, we must keep going, that’s what our lost loved ones would want. They would want us to thrive and be mentally and emotionally strong, so that’s what I’m going to do. We may be going through hell, but we will keep going. 

#mentalstrength #emotionalstrength #family #familylove #loss #lossofalovedone #mindovermatter #realmomsofinstagram #itsokaynottobeokay #prayers #prayersforhealing #ifyouregoingthroughhellkeepgoing #pushthrough #focus #takeabreak
My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother y My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother yesterday.⠀
⠀
Even as I type this those words are unreal. He was only 33 years of age. He was honestly my sons best friend, he and my brother are the younger cool uncles, who every kid wishes they had. My husband is my rock, and has been for nearly 12 years. Over the last 8 years I have dealt with death after death in my family and he has been there for me. This time being on the other side, I admit that I do not know what to do.⠀
⠀
We laughed with his sister who asked “when people ask what do you need, what are you supposed to say?” She’s right. None of us know what to say. Is it okay to ask for a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or just someone to vent to?⠀
⠀
My husband is not the type to express his needs. He doesn’t show anger or sadness. So trying to figure out how to support him has been hard. I know he is sick of me asking “are you okay?”, I can’t help it. To support the whole family I’m taking on quite a bit of extra duties and through all of this I have one major thing I have realized- YOU grieve how YOU want to grieve ⠀
⠀
Try not to fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things in order to feel normal. Meaning, if you feel sad, please allow the tears to come. If you are angry and you need to vent, allow yourself to safely do so as well.⠀
⠀
Even in a family, it’s important to remember that we all grieve differently and that in itself can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.⠀
⠀
I’ve spent most of the day calling funeral homes, figuring out clothes needed to dress a deceased loved one, and finding a suit for my son and husband. Now that I have a moment, I’m just watching Chris as he sleeps. Figuring out how to be there for him and my children who are hurting. There are so many things that have occurred in the last 24 hours, and maybe one day I will talk about it.⠀
⠀
But in the meantime hold your loved ones tight. ❤️❤️ #familyisforever
On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. Whether he likes it or not. 😂😂😂

He really thought I was going to hit @sisqo ‘s note like that...nah

#blacklovematters #blackcouples #blacklovepage #viralquotes #millennialmarriage #realmomsofinstagram
We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our lives and to make sure our children have better educational opportunities. Being black In Forsyth County...being black in Cumming, Georgia is not easy.⠀
⠀
We have had people drive by us making money sounds as we walk across the parking lot, we were called the n word. This past Tuesday we couldn’t even vote because our names mysteriously were not on the rolls, even though we are registered and received welcome letters from the GOP (and we are far from republicans). My children have even faced racism from their teachers. ⠀
⠀
Being a black American, black mother, black woman is exhausting. I’m terrified when my husband leaves the house. I hate sending my son to school. I hate sending my girls to school. ⠀
⠀
The riot at the Capitol building reaffirmed everything that we were taught as kids. Stay on your p’s and q’s, and the color of your skin does matter. No matter how many times someone says “I hear you, I see you”, the truth is we will never be seen, nor heard. ⠀
⠀
When you are the mother of five beautiful souls and have been trusted to raise them to love everyone, that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard to know people question how can you afford the home you have. When you are chillin in the front yard and the cops slow alllllll the way down to see what you are up to. ⠀
⠀
I just want to live my life in peace. I want know that when the mister leaves, he’s good. When my black son walks home from school that he won’t have any problems. When I go to the grocery store the asinine cashier won’t ask if I have an EBT card...which I don’t. But if I did, so the heck what?⠀
⠀
I shouldn’t have to prove that I belong. But everyday I am, it’s exhausting. #blacklivesmatter #realmotherhood #honestmotherhood #blackandmarriedwithkids #blackmillennials #blacklove #blackmotherhood
Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There will always be things that occur that we don’t agree with, but sometimes we just have to let them happen. 

Follow me in the @LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app to shop this post and get my exclusive app-only content!

#liketkit #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKcurves #LTKunder50
@liketoknow.it
http://liketk.it/35oRm
Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit down and write down my goals and what it is I want to achieve.  I practiced manifestation methods like 33x3 and 55x5. Maybe one day I’ll share how I manifested $15000 in 3 days.

I’ve found that it’s always helped me visualize what it is I want or need. And it has to be absolutely quiet when I do so. 

Do you believe in manifesting? If so, how often do you use this technique? 
#manifestyourlife #manifestthatshit #goalsetter #angelnumbers #spiritualdevelopment #soulpath
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

This is my mantra for the day and probably the next several days. My husband and I received some devastating news yesterday, and I truly don’t know how to react. 

‘Do I post? Do I take a break from social media? Should I take a day off?’
All these thoughts have been running through my head, but through tragedy, we must keep going, that’s what our lost loved ones would want. They would want us to thrive and be mentally and emotionally strong, so that’s what I’m going to do. We may be going through hell, but we will keep going. 

#mentalstrength #emotionalstrength #family #familylove #loss #lossofalovedone #mindovermatter #realmomsofinstagram #itsokaynottobeokay #prayers #prayersforhealing #ifyouregoingthroughhellkeepgoing #pushthrough #focus #takeabreak
My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother y My husband unexpectedly lost his younger brother yesterday.⠀
⠀
Even as I type this those words are unreal. He was only 33 years of age. He was honestly my sons best friend, he and my brother are the younger cool uncles, who every kid wishes they had. My husband is my rock, and has been for nearly 12 years. Over the last 8 years I have dealt with death after death in my family and he has been there for me. This time being on the other side, I admit that I do not know what to do.⠀
⠀
We laughed with his sister who asked “when people ask what do you need, what are you supposed to say?” She’s right. None of us know what to say. Is it okay to ask for a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or just someone to vent to?⠀
⠀
My husband is not the type to express his needs. He doesn’t show anger or sadness. So trying to figure out how to support him has been hard. I know he is sick of me asking “are you okay?”, I can’t help it. To support the whole family I’m taking on quite a bit of extra duties and through all of this I have one major thing I have realized- YOU grieve how YOU want to grieve ⠀
⠀
Try not to fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things in order to feel normal. Meaning, if you feel sad, please allow the tears to come. If you are angry and you need to vent, allow yourself to safely do so as well.⠀
⠀
Even in a family, it’s important to remember that we all grieve differently and that in itself can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.⠀
⠀
I’ve spent most of the day calling funeral homes, figuring out clothes needed to dress a deceased loved one, and finding a suit for my son and husband. Now that I have a moment, I’m just watching Chris as he sleeps. Figuring out how to be there for him and my children who are hurting. There are so many things that have occurred in the last 24 hours, and maybe one day I will talk about it.⠀
⠀
But in the meantime hold your loved ones tight. ❤️❤️ #familyisforever
On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. On Saturday we serenade the husband with Dru Hill. Whether he likes it or not. 😂😂😂

He really thought I was going to hit @sisqo ‘s note like that...nah

#blacklovematters #blackcouples #blacklovepage #viralquotes #millennialmarriage #realmomsofinstagram
We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our We moved to Georgia to start the next phase of our lives and to make sure our children have better educational opportunities. Being black In Forsyth County...being black in Cumming, Georgia is not easy.⠀
⠀
We have had people drive by us making money sounds as we walk across the parking lot, we were called the n word. This past Tuesday we couldn’t even vote because our names mysteriously were not on the rolls, even though we are registered and received welcome letters from the GOP (and we are far from republicans). My children have even faced racism from their teachers. ⠀
⠀
Being a black American, black mother, black woman is exhausting. I’m terrified when my husband leaves the house. I hate sending my son to school. I hate sending my girls to school. ⠀
⠀
The riot at the Capitol building reaffirmed everything that we were taught as kids. Stay on your p’s and q’s, and the color of your skin does matter. No matter how many times someone says “I hear you, I see you”, the truth is we will never be seen, nor heard. ⠀
⠀
When you are the mother of five beautiful souls and have been trusted to raise them to love everyone, that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard to know people question how can you afford the home you have. When you are chillin in the front yard and the cops slow alllllll the way down to see what you are up to. ⠀
⠀
I just want to live my life in peace. I want know that when the mister leaves, he’s good. When my black son walks home from school that he won’t have any problems. When I go to the grocery store the asinine cashier won’t ask if I have an EBT card...which I don’t. But if I did, so the heck what?⠀
⠀
I shouldn’t have to prove that I belong. But everyday I am, it’s exhausting. #blacklivesmatter #realmotherhood #honestmotherhood #blackandmarriedwithkids #blackmillennials #blacklove #blackmotherhood
Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There Remember: Even the moon goes through phases. There will always be things that occur that we don’t agree with, but sometimes we just have to let them happen. 

Follow me in the @LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app to shop this post and get my exclusive app-only content!

#liketkit #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKcurves #LTKunder50
@liketoknow.it
http://liketk.it/35oRm
Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit Let’s talk about manifesting. Every month I sit down and write down my goals and what it is I want to achieve.  I practiced manifestation methods like 33x3 and 55x5. Maybe one day I’ll share how I manifested $15000 in 3 days.

I’ve found that it’s always helped me visualize what it is I want or need. And it has to be absolutely quiet when I do so. 

Do you believe in manifesting? If so, how often do you use this technique? 
#manifestyourlife #manifestthatshit #goalsetter #angelnumbers #spiritualdevelopment #soulpath
My husband constantly asks me if getting fresh flo My husband constantly asks me if getting fresh flowers to keep in the house every week is a southern thing. Who knows, I just think it adds something beautiful to our home. 

Are you team fresh or fake when it comes to flowers?
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